MAJOR AHA MOMENTS!!!!!

I have a lot to say today.....I’ve had some aha moments (as Oprah puts it) in and around my body image, how I deny how my body really looks, and the shame I feel about it.  When I walk around without looking in a mirror or a window reflection, I think that I am 120 lbs and look great.  Even when I do look into a mirror at myself, I still don’t see the 269 lbs. that I really am!  It’s like reverse anorexia!!  When another overweight person says to me in conversation something like “fat people like us”, I am taken aback because I don’t think I am in that category.  It is not until I see a photo or video of myself that I am slammed in the face with the reality of how my body truly looks.  That reality sends me into a complete tailspin.  The denial is so great that I even try to talk myself into thinking that it was a bad angle shot and it made me look bigger than I am....OMG....this insanity has to stop!!  Then someone said to me that I should put a link on my glass-jewellery website http://www.dingolayglass.com  to this blog, and my first thought is “I can’t do that, people will then know that I am fat and I am a food addict”.  Then it occurs to me.......DAH....like no one knew that by looking at me for that past 20 years??!!  (I feel utter shame at this moment) Again, I repeat OMG....this insanity has to stop!!   I know that I am a food addict, that I am sure, but fat??? No, I’m not fat.....what the hell is my brain doing to me???  I think it is trying to protect me from shock so I don’t go into some suicidal mode or something.  Well, whatever it is, I have seen the light today and I am not feeling suicidal....but, mind you, a bit sick.  Bottom line (no pun intended) I am fat.  I am way over weight and I look it!  There, I said it!  My clothes aren’t hiding it (like I think it is), and yes, people see a fat person when they see me because I AM FAT and I look FAT!  What a relief!  I can actually get on with my goal to have a normal, slender body that allows me to get around so much easier, climb stairs with vigor, bounce out of bed in the morning without moaning and groaning with every move and feel 10 years younger....oh how I would love to feel ten years younger right now!  This is huge for me.  And I know that anyone out there that is in the same way I am right now understands this.  So feel free to leave a comment on this blog post.

At my Weight-Watchers-meeting last week I also had another aha moment.  When our facilitator said (after 11 years at her lifetime goal weight) that she still gets the urge to go over the edge with a whole chocolate cake because that is her true nature with food deep within.  And she did have almost the whole cake!  But the next day she was right back to counting her points because that is the lifestyle that she chose to live 11 years ago.  That was major to me!  I saw that she was not just a slim person, but she was just like me inside.  The over-eater that wants to take over.  She has chosen to live the Weight-Watchers lifestyle.  Not be on a diet, but the lifestyle.  AHA!  I get it!  Wow, that was so enlightening to me that I think about it at least once a day.  I am very inspired by this.  There is hope.  A long way to go, but at least there is hope.